All right, I'll admit that I find the ubiquity of the tepid "Happy Holidays" euphemism a bit tiresome, but that's the extent of it. It doesn't even rise to the level of an "annoyance" for me. (I'm more annoyed every morning in the coffee shop when I invariably get in line behind some girl who orders a pumpkin spice soy vanilla latte with half skim milk, two Equals® and a Splenda®, when all I want is a large black.)
And the "Happy Holidays" crowd is certainly less annoying than the culture warriors who are convinced this is all part of a concerted "war on Christmas." Think about it, people. This PC crowd isn't about to wage war on anything. The most you could expect from them is a vaguely worded U.N. resolution against Christmas. War? Gimme a break.
So I just stay out of that fight altogether. Nonetheless, there are still sinister forces at work which really do undermine this very important holiday and rob it of its significance in subtle yet undeniable ways. I'm talking about white lights. I'm sick to death of BORING white bloody lights already.
Granted, part of this is a result of my own upbringing. I'm rebelling against my mom's draconian "all white light" policy. I have very fond, warm and fuzzy memories of Christmas being a dazzling, almost psychedelic festival of rainbow-colored incandescence, both inside our house and out. Then, when I was still a very young age, Mom decided that such displays were tacky and garish. She decided that miniature white lights on the tree were tasteful and refined.
To be fair to mom, this was back in the late sixties, and she was reacting to admitted abominations such as this:
I was sad when she decided to donate the aluminum tree to my first-grade classroom, but she did have a point. The problem is that her white light "phase" turned out not to be a passing trend at all, but a new way of life. Thirty-five years out, and she's still
as color-averse as Johnny Cash at a funeral.
And it's not just her, it's everyone. White lights are all over the place. Not only in people's homes, but in public squares, city sidewalks, restaurants, used car lots, you name it. Even worse, more and more public places have taken to leaving the white lights up year-round. This, of course, even further erodes the special, celebratory nature of Christmas light displays.
The time has come, people, to take a stand. What is this, Christmas or a Chili's parking lot? We have to decide once and for all. And this year I'm taking a stand. Our Christmas tree is lit entirely in blue, and the front porch is a brilliant beacon of every single color I could lay my hands on -- except for white. There are no white lights anywhere in or near my house. Not one.